wtf is wrong with men?!

WTF??! A fucking stinking short fat big bellied lecturer fuckin made a pass at me! As in wtf! Yes! Its shocking,very shocking! I mean he fucking tried to kiss me eww! Was wondering why he was being all nice sef. Oh my god! *breathes* how. Did I get into this mess ehn? How?

As in tf! I'm still in shock, as in speechless and numb. I've pinched my self a whole lot of times but this...this.. I dnt even knw what to call it... is not fading. Away just like a dream should. I don't even want to believe that what happened to me actually happened. How did I get myself into this ditch sef? I tought this kinda stuff only happened in nigerian movies??

Now he knows my face, name and matric! And I even foolishly gave him my number. But that was before this whole fucked up phase.

Can't men just be satisfied with their wives???!why do they prefer running after young girls?? Mschewww!
Stupid Assholes!

I like him, but he's dating her

Its been close to a year since my pathetic 'relationship' came to a grateful end. And for the first time since then, I think I'm starting to like someone. I like the feeling though, but I'm scared as well.

We are just friends, for now..... He's really cool and fun to hang out with. He's funny and we are free with each other. He says he really really likes me, BUT he has a girlfriend *sigh* annoying right?

Anyways, we went to the movies today, and all I could think of throughout was sitting on his lap all cuddled up, kissing and him touching my soft skin and getting turned on just by the feel of it. My mind wanders a lot yeah, can't help it x) .

On the drive back to my apartment, he said he would love to kiss me and asked if he could. I said no, though that was what had been on my mind all evening, a whole lot more than that actually, I wish he had just grabbed me and kissed me without asking, I fucking hate questions mahn! I wouldn't have stopped him. If he had put his hands under my shirt and touched me, I wouldn't have stopped him. If he had taken off my bra and sucked my nipples, I wouldn't have stopped him. But he didn't, and I was left unsatisfied and horny! Quite frustrating yeah *breathes out*

We still talked later on after we parted. I donno, but with every passing second I like him even more. I remember asking him if he could date two girls, and he said he never had and never thought he would. He said he could just have the other girl as a "close friend" cuz calling her the 'side chick' would be disrespectful. Yeah, of course!. And I know if we start having something, I would be that "close friend" and I don't want to be that girl , so now I don't know what to do. I should just bury the feelings up inside right? Yeah, that's what I would do *deep sigh* see why I hate emotions?!



Bloggers note: please forgive all improper words used and all ... woteva bleh! My mind isn't here jor....

Grades and shit!

I just checked my results, my grades are fuckiin low mehn! As in shit! I was discussing with the faculty adviser and he took my dad's number which means I am in trouble, I'm in deep shit. Everything is so fucked right now. My grades are in the trash.. And if I don't improve, I would be kicked out which cannot happen or else I might be disowned.

I know I wasn't serious in the previous semester, and I expected bad grades . Luck wasn't with me because the grades came out worse. I cannnot stay in this fucked up school longer than I'm meant to. And if I don't improve this time, I'm goin to be here for a fucking long time. I may not be into books and I might be lazy. But I always make sure I never fail to an extent where I have to take classes with the juniours cuz I did not pass a course. That's fuckin embarrsing, besides I cant let my haters and enemies laugh at me that aint gonna happen!

So even if I'm still going to skip some classes, I have taken things personal. I'm goin to work harder, study more and relate better with my mates. No more wasting free time, no more spending time doing absolutely nothing. I know I aint dumb, my IQ is a fucking 140! So Wth! That might be low, but I know a whole lot of people who would fuck asses to have such an IQ, so don't you say nothing!

I do hope I improve this semester! Or I'm gonna be soooooooooo fucked up! I'm better than my results, I know that. So nobody should go around thinking I'm a dumb ass chick, cuz they gonna get a shocker when they see what I can do. Especially all these bitches sleeping around and gettin good grades, then coming to flaunt it in my face! Fuck 'em all! ....... in the end, I'd still be their BosS in Future! So fuck it!

Have I really changed?

I got a call from my best friend last night,
And this was the first thing she said to me.;

BFF : "Chocolate, you have changed.

Me : how?
BFF : I don't know, you've just changed. Just like Kevin.
said you would
(Kevin was our close guy friend back in high school)

I didn't understand her, but I wondered if I really had.

I'm pretty sure she said that because I hardly ever call, and I have lost contact with all my friends from high school. Its not my fault, is it? I'm in a new place now. new people, new friends, more work to be done, less time for pleasantries and catching up. Its hard to keep up with all of them due to a lot of things.

Though I feel really bad that I haven't been able to keep up with everyone, but I can't do everything at once. I can't face college , and college friends, and at the same time keep in touch with high school friends.

But the questions still remains; have I really changed? Have I become that person I never expected? Have I turned into that uncaring and unfriendly person people said I would turn into?. I hope not, I hope it isn't true. I hope my friend was not serious when she said that. It would be terrible if it were true. I sincerely hope it isn't

useless

i feel wasted, i feel like i have no value. i feel unserious and useless. i'm in my room doing nothing when i should be in school. i don't know when that desire to school in me died and i won't blame my circumstance on the devil, and i wont say i'm a victim because i am not. Everything i do, i do it cuz i want to and this is not different. but i do not know why i just suddenly lost interest in everything related to my schooling.

This is a terrible thing, i wouldn't want to be a useless person in future, i wouldn't want to be a liability to anyone. i wouldn't want to be looked at as shit. Every time, i lie on my bed my eyes closed but i'm still conscious and i know i should be studying, but i never do. instead i just pick up something foolish to do. i want to call it a curse, i want to say that my enemies are at work. i believe they are.

if someone asked me "when was the last time you went to the chapel?" i would have no answer because i can not remember. My mum is a strong believer in God. She always encourages me to pray which i never do. Now i'm having a rethink, i need God in my life. I need him to help me and to be my guide and my comforter. i need Jesus to save me from this spirit. I want to pray, i need to. but when ever i kneel and open my mouth, nothing comes out. i'm going to keep trying. so help me God

The last for tonight...

Its nearly dawn, yet I haven't been able to close my eyes. Sitting at my window staring at the starless sky, dark and empty. Cars are still driving about the streets, horns are still blaring. This is where I live, a place that never completely sleeps. I think of my life and how empty I feel right now. I think of how very much alone I am, and how much I wish for someone to lean on.

This night has been a lot about my emotions. They're gradually leaking, coming out from that bottle where I carefully put them. They're forcing themselves out regardless of my objections. And I'm still trying to stop them.

I need sleep so fucking bad. I've had very little of it in the past few weeks. I'm even starting to see things. I should blame my lack of sleep for it though. I like to take short strolls along the corridors of where i stay, and sometimes, I think I see people, and hear voices. Like they're trying to pas a message, but that's not possible right? .. I thought so too.

My dear diary and friend, I'm leaving here now, I would try to sleep. ... Wish me a good nights' rest.
I sign out.

Emotions..

I could spend hours, maybe even days just writing about my feelings and emotions. But I think I'm still yet to get to that stage when they shall all overflow. All the emotions I've kept bottled up for so long, all the feelings I've kept hidden, enclosed in a place where no one could reach. All the lies I told just to hide how I truly feel, and even the lies I still tell.

Most times, that's just the best way to live one's life. Emotions cripples you, makes you weak and vulnerable. It confuses you and leaves you clueless. And that isn't even what scares me. What scares me is getting hurt, what scares me is en trusting my heart to someone and then having them break it. If only I could be sure, if only I could get proof that whoever I gave my heart to would cherish it and keep it guarded.. Away from pain and sadness.

But promises aren't what they used to be. Gone are the days when promises were debts, gone are the days when promises were almost as strong as vows. Now promises are just mere lies,series of lies wrapped in bows and put in coloured boxes. They no longer mean anything, they no longer stand for anything, promises aren't worth anything no more!

Therefore, I can't take that risk. I'm not even willing to. I give up on relationships. I hardly ever find guys that tickle my fancy these days. I don't know if I am the one not willing to find, I don't know if I'm the one not ready to 'mingle'...or maybe I know, but I'm not ready to admit. At least not just yet.