A gender casually bombarded with molestation

Most would assume its only unsuccesful, desperate females who get churned in the direction of 'give what you have to get what you want.', But behind the exaggerated acts in our home videos 'nollywood movies' is a tangible truth to what we often put off as mere drama. Its not until you hear of the bank marketer who is literally compelled to put more than her business client offer on sale, or a member of the congregation who is asked to open her legs so she can 'receive the anointing', maybe not until you experience it first-hand that it dawns that the overly repeated drama we watch occasionally  actually has a large chunk of authenticity to it.

You therefore might be able to Imagine my surprise as I sat in shocked silence and pretence confusion - an unknowing female still caught in the disbelief that the nollywood movies actually portrayed real life scenarios - listening to the pot bellied man trying to convince me of the merits of having a sexual relationship with him, my lecturer, a professor not younger than 45.

Now, ask me what I had done to get myself here... It wasn't inappropriate clothes, or overly exposed skin that caused his dirty old mind to devise such nonentity, it was in fact something far off from immoral behaviour or improper dressing. Innocence and reserve.

Listening, a little light headed, I wondered if the pretty tall girl from the set two years ago was approached in the same manner, I wondered how many more females he had imposed this same plight on, I wondered what the consequences would be if I refused. I wondered, and my confusion turned to fright, and my silence to tumbling incoherent words I hoped might somehow save me.

The impending doom due to the negligence of a situation this grave scares the shit out of me. At the moment, a solution is needed, a way out... that won't ruin me or my education.

Anyone?

useless

i feel wasted, i feel like i have no value. i feel unserious and useless. i'm in my room doing nothing when i should be in school. i don't know when that desire to school in me died and i won't blame my circumstance on the devil, and i wont say i'm a victim because i am not. Everything i do, i do it cuz i want to and this is not different. but i do not know why i just suddenly lost interest in everything related to my schooling.

This is a terrible thing, i wouldn't want to be a useless person in future, i wouldn't want to be a liability to anyone. i wouldn't want to be looked at as shit. Every time, i lie on my bed my eyes closed but i'm still conscious and i know i should be studying, but i never do. instead i just pick up something foolish to do. i want to call it a curse, i want to say that my enemies are at work. i believe they are.

if someone asked me "when was the last time you went to the chapel?" i would have no answer because i can not remember. My mum is a strong believer in God. She always encourages me to pray which i never do. Now i'm having a rethink, i need God in my life. I need him to help me and to be my guide and my comforter. i need Jesus to save me from this spirit. I want to pray, i need to. but when ever i kneel and open my mouth, nothing comes out. i'm going to keep trying. so help me God

The last for tonight...

Its nearly dawn, yet I haven't been able to close my eyes. Sitting at my window staring at the starless sky, dark and empty. Cars are still driving about the streets, horns are still blaring. This is where I live, a place that never completely sleeps. I think of my life and how empty I feel right now. I think of how very much alone I am, and how much I wish for someone to lean on.

This night has been a lot about my emotions. They're gradually leaking, coming out from that bottle where I carefully put them. They're forcing themselves out regardless of my objections. And I'm still trying to stop them.

I need sleep so fucking bad. I've had very little of it in the past few weeks. I'm even starting to see things. I should blame my lack of sleep for it though. I like to take short strolls along the corridors of where i stay, and sometimes, I think I see people, and hear voices. Like they're trying to pas a message, but that's not possible right? .. I thought so too.

My dear diary and friend, I'm leaving here now, I would try to sleep. ... Wish me a good nights' rest.
I sign out.

Emotions..

I could spend hours, maybe even days just writing about my feelings and emotions. But I think I'm still yet to get to that stage when they shall all overflow. All the emotions I've kept bottled up for so long, all the feelings I've kept hidden, enclosed in a place where no one could reach. All the lies I told just to hide how I truly feel, and even the lies I still tell.

Most times, that's just the best way to live one's life. Emotions cripples you, makes you weak and vulnerable. It confuses you and leaves you clueless. And that isn't even what scares me. What scares me is getting hurt, what scares me is en trusting my heart to someone and then having them break it. If only I could be sure, if only I could get proof that whoever I gave my heart to would cherish it and keep it guarded.. Away from pain and sadness.

But promises aren't what they used to be. Gone are the days when promises were debts, gone are the days when promises were almost as strong as vows. Now promises are just mere lies,series of lies wrapped in bows and put in coloured boxes. They no longer mean anything, they no longer stand for anything, promises aren't worth anything no more!

Therefore, I can't take that risk. I'm not even willing to. I give up on relationships. I hardly ever find guys that tickle my fancy these days. I don't know if I am the one not willing to find, I don't know if I'm the one not ready to 'mingle'...or maybe I know, but I'm not ready to admit. At least not just yet.

Here's to

I miss the past, and all the people who were apart of it. I miss the people who claimed to care about me, when deep down, I knew as well as them, that they didn't. I miss the way things used to be. It's a known fact, which I was aware of, but I didnt want to believe it, not like how I do now, I've finally realized; people always leave

Here's to being lied to, to being walked on, used, promised something and fed bullshit. Here's to getting your hopes up and watching them fall time after time after time. Here's to trusting over and over again because you really wanted to believe that he's changed. Now take this as a lesson learned. Let him go and move the fuck on with your life