I like him, but he's dating her

Its been close to a year since my pathetic 'relationship' came to a grateful end. And for the first time since then, I think I'm starting to like someone. I like the feeling though, but I'm scared as well.

We are just friends, for now..... He's really cool and fun to hang out with. He's funny and we are free with each other. He says he really really likes me, BUT he has a girlfriend *sigh* annoying right?

Anyways, we went to the movies today, and all I could think of throughout was sitting on his lap all cuddled up, kissing and him touching my soft skin and getting turned on just by the feel of it. My mind wanders a lot yeah, can't help it x) .

On the drive back to my apartment, he said he would love to kiss me and asked if he could. I said no, though that was what had been on my mind all evening, a whole lot more than that actually, I wish he had just grabbed me and kissed me without asking, I fucking hate questions mahn! I wouldn't have stopped him. If he had put his hands under my shirt and touched me, I wouldn't have stopped him. If he had taken off my bra and sucked my nipples, I wouldn't have stopped him. But he didn't, and I was left unsatisfied and horny! Quite frustrating yeah *breathes out*

We still talked later on after we parted. I donno, but with every passing second I like him even more. I remember asking him if he could date two girls, and he said he never had and never thought he would. He said he could just have the other girl as a "close friend" cuz calling her the 'side chick' would be disrespectful. Yeah, of course!. And I know if we start having something, I would be that "close friend" and I don't want to be that girl , so now I don't know what to do. I should just bury the feelings up inside right? Yeah, that's what I would do *deep sigh* see why I hate emotions?!



Bloggers note: please forgive all improper words used and all ... woteva bleh! My mind isn't here jor....

The last for tonight...

Its nearly dawn, yet I haven't been able to close my eyes. Sitting at my window staring at the starless sky, dark and empty. Cars are still driving about the streets, horns are still blaring. This is where I live, a place that never completely sleeps. I think of my life and how empty I feel right now. I think of how very much alone I am, and how much I wish for someone to lean on.

This night has been a lot about my emotions. They're gradually leaking, coming out from that bottle where I carefully put them. They're forcing themselves out regardless of my objections. And I'm still trying to stop them.

I need sleep so fucking bad. I've had very little of it in the past few weeks. I'm even starting to see things. I should blame my lack of sleep for it though. I like to take short strolls along the corridors of where i stay, and sometimes, I think I see people, and hear voices. Like they're trying to pas a message, but that's not possible right? .. I thought so too.

My dear diary and friend, I'm leaving here now, I would try to sleep. ... Wish me a good nights' rest.
I sign out.

Emotions..

I could spend hours, maybe even days just writing about my feelings and emotions. But I think I'm still yet to get to that stage when they shall all overflow. All the emotions I've kept bottled up for so long, all the feelings I've kept hidden, enclosed in a place where no one could reach. All the lies I told just to hide how I truly feel, and even the lies I still tell.

Most times, that's just the best way to live one's life. Emotions cripples you, makes you weak and vulnerable. It confuses you and leaves you clueless. And that isn't even what scares me. What scares me is getting hurt, what scares me is en trusting my heart to someone and then having them break it. If only I could be sure, if only I could get proof that whoever I gave my heart to would cherish it and keep it guarded.. Away from pain and sadness.

But promises aren't what they used to be. Gone are the days when promises were debts, gone are the days when promises were almost as strong as vows. Now promises are just mere lies,series of lies wrapped in bows and put in coloured boxes. They no longer mean anything, they no longer stand for anything, promises aren't worth anything no more!

Therefore, I can't take that risk. I'm not even willing to. I give up on relationships. I hardly ever find guys that tickle my fancy these days. I don't know if I am the one not willing to find, I don't know if I'm the one not ready to 'mingle'...or maybe I know, but I'm not ready to admit. At least not just yet.