I like him, but he's dating her

Its been close to a year since my pathetic 'relationship' came to a grateful end. And for the first time since then, I think I'm starting to like someone. I like the feeling though, but I'm scared as well.

We are just friends, for now..... He's really cool and fun to hang out with. He's funny and we are free with each other. He says he really really likes me, BUT he has a girlfriend *sigh* annoying right?

Anyways, we went to the movies today, and all I could think of throughout was sitting on his lap all cuddled up, kissing and him touching my soft skin and getting turned on just by the feel of it. My mind wanders a lot yeah, can't help it x) .

On the drive back to my apartment, he said he would love to kiss me and asked if he could. I said no, though that was what had been on my mind all evening, a whole lot more than that actually, I wish he had just grabbed me and kissed me without asking, I fucking hate questions mahn! I wouldn't have stopped him. If he had put his hands under my shirt and touched me, I wouldn't have stopped him. If he had taken off my bra and sucked my nipples, I wouldn't have stopped him. But he didn't, and I was left unsatisfied and horny! Quite frustrating yeah *breathes out*

We still talked later on after we parted. I donno, but with every passing second I like him even more. I remember asking him if he could date two girls, and he said he never had and never thought he would. He said he could just have the other girl as a "close friend" cuz calling her the 'side chick' would be disrespectful. Yeah, of course!. And I know if we start having something, I would be that "close friend" and I don't want to be that girl , so now I don't know what to do. I should just bury the feelings up inside right? Yeah, that's what I would do *deep sigh* see why I hate emotions?!



Bloggers note: please forgive all improper words used and all ... woteva bleh! My mind isn't here jor....

Grades and shit!

I just checked my results, my grades are fuckiin low mehn! As in shit! I was discussing with the faculty adviser and he took my dad's number which means I am in trouble, I'm in deep shit. Everything is so fucked right now. My grades are in the trash.. And if I don't improve, I would be kicked out which cannot happen or else I might be disowned.

I know I wasn't serious in the previous semester, and I expected bad grades . Luck wasn't with me because the grades came out worse. I cannnot stay in this fucked up school longer than I'm meant to. And if I don't improve this time, I'm goin to be here for a fucking long time. I may not be into books and I might be lazy. But I always make sure I never fail to an extent where I have to take classes with the juniours cuz I did not pass a course. That's fuckin embarrsing, besides I cant let my haters and enemies laugh at me that aint gonna happen!

So even if I'm still going to skip some classes, I have taken things personal. I'm goin to work harder, study more and relate better with my mates. No more wasting free time, no more spending time doing absolutely nothing. I know I aint dumb, my IQ is a fucking 140! So Wth! That might be low, but I know a whole lot of people who would fuck asses to have such an IQ, so don't you say nothing!

I do hope I improve this semester! Or I'm gonna be soooooooooo fucked up! I'm better than my results, I know that. So nobody should go around thinking I'm a dumb ass chick, cuz they gonna get a shocker when they see what I can do. Especially all these bitches sleeping around and gettin good grades, then coming to flaunt it in my face! Fuck 'em all! ....... in the end, I'd still be their BosS in Future! So fuck it!

Have I really changed?

I got a call from my best friend last night,
And this was the first thing she said to me.;

BFF : "Chocolate, you have changed.

Me : how?
BFF : I don't know, you've just changed. Just like Kevin.
said you would
(Kevin was our close guy friend back in high school)

I didn't understand her, but I wondered if I really had.

I'm pretty sure she said that because I hardly ever call, and I have lost contact with all my friends from high school. Its not my fault, is it? I'm in a new place now. new people, new friends, more work to be done, less time for pleasantries and catching up. Its hard to keep up with all of them due to a lot of things.

Though I feel really bad that I haven't been able to keep up with everyone, but I can't do everything at once. I can't face college , and college friends, and at the same time keep in touch with high school friends.

But the questions still remains; have I really changed? Have I become that person I never expected? Have I turned into that uncaring and unfriendly person people said I would turn into?. I hope not, I hope it isn't true. I hope my friend was not serious when she said that. It would be terrible if it were true. I sincerely hope it isn't

useless

i feel wasted, i feel like i have no value. i feel unserious and useless. i'm in my room doing nothing when i should be in school. i don't know when that desire to school in me died and i won't blame my circumstance on the devil, and i wont say i'm a victim because i am not. Everything i do, i do it cuz i want to and this is not different. but i do not know why i just suddenly lost interest in everything related to my schooling.

This is a terrible thing, i wouldn't want to be a useless person in future, i wouldn't want to be a liability to anyone. i wouldn't want to be looked at as shit. Every time, i lie on my bed my eyes closed but i'm still conscious and i know i should be studying, but i never do. instead i just pick up something foolish to do. i want to call it a curse, i want to say that my enemies are at work. i believe they are.

if someone asked me "when was the last time you went to the chapel?" i would have no answer because i can not remember. My mum is a strong believer in God. She always encourages me to pray which i never do. Now i'm having a rethink, i need God in my life. I need him to help me and to be my guide and my comforter. i need Jesus to save me from this spirit. I want to pray, i need to. but when ever i kneel and open my mouth, nothing comes out. i'm going to keep trying. so help me God

The last for tonight...

Its nearly dawn, yet I haven't been able to close my eyes. Sitting at my window staring at the starless sky, dark and empty. Cars are still driving about the streets, horns are still blaring. This is where I live, a place that never completely sleeps. I think of my life and how empty I feel right now. I think of how very much alone I am, and how much I wish for someone to lean on.

This night has been a lot about my emotions. They're gradually leaking, coming out from that bottle where I carefully put them. They're forcing themselves out regardless of my objections. And I'm still trying to stop them.

I need sleep so fucking bad. I've had very little of it in the past few weeks. I'm even starting to see things. I should blame my lack of sleep for it though. I like to take short strolls along the corridors of where i stay, and sometimes, I think I see people, and hear voices. Like they're trying to pas a message, but that's not possible right? .. I thought so too.

My dear diary and friend, I'm leaving here now, I would try to sleep. ... Wish me a good nights' rest.
I sign out.

Emotions..

I could spend hours, maybe even days just writing about my feelings and emotions. But I think I'm still yet to get to that stage when they shall all overflow. All the emotions I've kept bottled up for so long, all the feelings I've kept hidden, enclosed in a place where no one could reach. All the lies I told just to hide how I truly feel, and even the lies I still tell.

Most times, that's just the best way to live one's life. Emotions cripples you, makes you weak and vulnerable. It confuses you and leaves you clueless. And that isn't even what scares me. What scares me is getting hurt, what scares me is en trusting my heart to someone and then having them break it. If only I could be sure, if only I could get proof that whoever I gave my heart to would cherish it and keep it guarded.. Away from pain and sadness.

But promises aren't what they used to be. Gone are the days when promises were debts, gone are the days when promises were almost as strong as vows. Now promises are just mere lies,series of lies wrapped in bows and put in coloured boxes. They no longer mean anything, they no longer stand for anything, promises aren't worth anything no more!

Therefore, I can't take that risk. I'm not even willing to. I give up on relationships. I hardly ever find guys that tickle my fancy these days. I don't know if I am the one not willing to find, I don't know if I'm the one not ready to 'mingle'...or maybe I know, but I'm not ready to admit. At least not just yet.

i'm just lonely

I'm so fucking bored right now, my room mate is out clubbing and I'm left alone. I would have gone with her, but the mood isn't even there. Right now i wish had a boyfriend I could call. I'm in need of some love at this moment. I'm listening to slow songs trying to console myself,trying to feel better, but it isn't even helping one bit!

I need to kiss someone now, I need to ravage someone's body, and fuck him till he begs me to stop. Its been ages since I was touched by a guy. How I crave that right now! How I crave hands on my boobs and fingers stroking my inner thighs... I want all of that now.

I would have to go to bed hungry and wanting because I know my cravings can't be satisfied. If only most guys weren't asses, maybe I would have a boyfriend, and maybe I would be with him now, and maybe I won't be thinking about my ex and how he would gladly satisfy my wants if only I asked.

Its unfortunate, but I'm not the type to 'go back to my vomit' as girls usually say. So I would just want and want and maybe I'd eventually die of wanting! This is really disorientating!

Here's to

I miss the past, and all the people who were apart of it. I miss the people who claimed to care about me, when deep down, I knew as well as them, that they didn't. I miss the way things used to be. It's a known fact, which I was aware of, but I didnt want to believe it, not like how I do now, I've finally realized; people always leave

Here's to being lied to, to being walked on, used, promised something and fed bullshit. Here's to getting your hopes up and watching them fall time after time after time. Here's to trusting over and over again because you really wanted to believe that he's changed. Now take this as a lesson learned. Let him go and move the fuck on with your life

Confessions, Apologies and Facts

1. i'm sorry for getting upset over the tinyest of things. 2. i wish everyone saw me for who i really am 3. i may not be the best friend in the world, but when you need me, i'll always be there. 4. i'm sorry i can't make up my mind. 5. we fight all the time, and bitch eachother out. but i know that at the end of the day, you'll always be there. 6. i sometimes dream about being miley cyrus or megan fox, because everyone knows they're beautiful. 7. seven things i hate about you. 8. i hate the way other girls look at you. 9. i hate the way you look at me. 10. i hate watching your stupid football games, and wishing that touchdown was for me. 11. i hate your eyes. 12. i hate your friends. 13. i hate the way you always just walk away. 14. i hate your smile the most. 15. i know "hate" is strong word. i know. because hitler used hate against the jews. i know that. and i h a t e using that word. 16. i'm still growing. 17. i really don't like the "n" word. 18. harveys vegetarian burgers. check dat shit out. 19. i'm sorry for not giving you the chance you deserved. 20. i hate you. 21. i want an iphone with all my heart. 22. i've never been anybodies. 23. i wish we could stay at elementary forever. 24. one tree hill is thee most amazing show in the world. 25. i'm sorry for chirping you..alot, but your so easy to chirp and everyone hates you. 26. i'm sorry for that too ^ 27. i wish i was a little be taller, i wish i was a baller, i wish i ahd a girl who looked good i would call her LOL jk im a giant, and im ballin', and im not a lesbo. 28. my middle name is marie. 29. i like fashion alot. 30. i've always been awesome at lying. 31. my grammer and spelling isn't always as good as it is now ^. 32. i passed science with a 54, i gotta feeling it was because my teacher loved me. 33. the worlds gonna blow up in 2012. period. 34. i think its weird when pretty girls call themselves ugly to get attention. 35. i goto a school,that everyone thinks is dirty. but its not, its awesome. 36. i wish my hair was like brooke's from oth. 37. i also wish i was married to james franco. 38. i'm sorry you dont talk to me anymore. 39. i hate how i can't please you 40. i hate you, actually thats a lie. i hate myself. i'll never be good enough for you. 41. everyone will always be prettier. 42. i like to believe that i dont care what people think, but thats all i think about. 43. if you really knew me...LOLjk i'd never let you inside my head 44. no ones ever really there for me 45. but maybe its because i make them think that i dont need them. 46. i want bleach blonde hair and tan skin. 47. i'm sorry for not being tall enough, strong enough or good enough. 48. i really love the veggie delite from subway 50. everyone has the same fear,the fear of being alone. 51. nobody puts me down as much as you do. 52. i act tough, but with every word you say,i'm breaking on the inside 53. i only hate you because your pretty. 54. i wish when i hung out with you i felt just as confident as you feel. 55. my friends are bitches, they dont get me. 56. this entire time i've been thinking of something good to say about myself. 57. i dont know how to but i'll try,i've never thought of a life without you. but nowi know i should be grateful for everyday with you. 58. liking stuff on facey is really annoying. 59. i wish i could sing. 60. actually i wish i could do something important. 61. the beggining of tarzan, when its dark and sad, and theres a tiger wanting to eat tarzan. makes me cry. 62. i wish i could say more truthful stuff, personal stuff. but i know people who know about this site. and i dont want em' to know 63. sometimes i get so fed up, i can't even look at myself 64. some people think it may be easy being me, just stand still and look prettyy . < love. those. lyrics. 65. i'm 5'11 - 6'0 and im still growin' lucky me. 67. i kind of want to say i'm sorry, but I want you to say it first 68. i don't have the slightest clue about what I want to do with my life but I am one hundred percent sure on what I know I don't want to do 69. i wish i had someone. 70. i wish my parents gave me more freedom. 71. i'm sorry but i will never be , who you want me to be. 72. i never said i didnt need you. 73. my hair can't be tamed. 74. i wanna be recognized for the good i do in the world. 75. some days i just like to swing, i liek to sit on a swing and let go of everything. my regrets that haunt me, my fears that hold me back and the dreams that would come true. i let go of it all, and swing. 76. i feel this exact same way when i'm on a boat goign really fast. because all you really think of is the wind blowing threw your hair, you don't think. 77. i forgive and i forget..usually. 78. i'm sorry for taking you for granted. 79. " you're the best thing thats ever been mine" LOL jk.i have no body. 80. your so damn fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. jsyk. 81. highschool. 700 days, of what? living, loving learning? you learn more about life in highschool than any otehr part of your life. you learn to live, and learn to live with no regrets. you find new friends, and you love them. but its 700 days.and when those 700 days come you won't be with thos friends you love, you'll be following your dreams and they'll be following theres, hopefully taking the lessons of highschool with you. but while your in highschool for 700 days, make it last.make it the best days of yoru life. be in highscool with the people you want to be with. because those 700 days go by really fats. 82. sweetie, the best part of you was never him. 83. i say shit i dont mean alot, but you hun have to build a bridge and get over it and stop being such a whiney two faced bitch, sounds good?thanks. 84. it's okay that you don't want me, really its okay.your not the first, and sure as hell not the last. 85. in this weird, twisted way i know you miss me. not because i want to believe it; but because you know you'll never find a girl that will put up with you like i did. 86. you're not oaky, and theres nothing wrong with saying so. you dont always have to say "i'm fine". you can tell people you trust that you're not okay. but if you don't trust anyone, then who are you going to tell? 87. it's not all that bad being alone. 88. what is love? i'll let you know when i find it. 89. i'm sorry, but the idea of you, was way better than you. 90. formspring.me LOL jk i don't care what you think. 91. i wish summer was endless. 92. mylifeisho.com. check it out. 93. i'm livin life one day at a time. 94. i miss making forts in the backyard with my little brother. 95. i miss summer in the 90's . i miss the smell of summer, and freedom, forgetting completly that your first day of kindergarton was coming up. 96. i wanna live liek music. i wanna live like a good song, a song that no one will ever forget. 97. i'm sorry for the walls i built. 98. i'd appreciate it if you left your slutty-ness at you're corner, you hoe. 99. i got ninety-nine problems, and they all bitches. 100. i don't like people who are fake around me. 101. i'm in love. with a sport. but i dont get recognized for being good, because someone in my fam is better. 102. my front tooth goes over the other one..just a bit. i want fucking braces. 103. i wish i was more outgoing to people i just met. 104. i'm sorry we didnt talk for a year.it's my biggest regret. 105. my biggest weakness is new york fries and gravy. but now i'll just have to stick with my veggie delite at subway. 106. i usually look past what people say about others, and get to know them myself. then realizing there just as awful as everyone says 107. i wish i was as confident as other people. 108. i talk too much shit. 109. you're looking like a tool not a baller,you're acting like a slut why bother? 110. i have a dog his name is jeffrey and i love him so much. 111. i guess it's over due, but im over you. 112. don't get me wrong being with someone is probably awesome, i just don't have anyone and probably never will. 113. i just really want to be worth the fight. 114. i know i sort of pushed you away. but even if i hadn't ,i doubt you would have stayed. 115. my heart can't take this anymore. 116. i'm so sick of everyone. 117. i want you to know this because your one of the only people who has every really been just like me, i know your hurting. i know its hard and its really tough.and i mean really tough.but i dont want you turning to drugs and alchohol to hide that pain. 118. guys should think girls are pretty on the inside. 119. i honestly can'twait for this volleyball season. 120. good is just a word we use to hide what we're really feeling. 121. i ahve friends, hell i have alot. but i feel so lonely most of the time, because nobody is ever there. 122. you could do much better than me, after all the lies that i made you believe. 123. the future is yours kid. 124. loves not a weapon. yea it pushes you around, and it usually takes your heart , throws it to the ground and stumps on it. but it has good morals and good intentions. its just getting you ready for the fight. love helps us survive. 125. somedays i dont feel like trying and i just wanna give up. 126. Eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. - Marilyn Monroe 127. i should have given up on you.. a long time ago, i should've yelled crew you. because you treat me like shit. but i stuck with you. and i still do, i dotn know why but i do. and i hate myself for it, i just wanna be over, with you and all this, i wanna give up so bad. 128. i miss elementary school, just colouring with no purpose, learning new things that youve never known. but now you have to do things for a purpose , and that purpose is your future and now everything youre learning is just advanced. and it sucks. 129. miss you. 130. second chances matter. 131. i'm sorry for not being myself. 132. youre bad for me, and i should stay away but i just cant 134. i wish you would forgave me for the shit i apperently said about you, but youre stubburn and you wont. 135.im sorry for pushing you away,hinestly, you were good to me and i ruined it. it was never your fault. 136. veebz is the best thing thats happened to me so far. 137. youre too good to me... 138.