Thursday 21 April 2011
When I say I'm ugly..
I’m serious. At times, don’t get me wrong, I think I’m a bit decent looking. But overall, I think I’m so unattractive. I’m not fishing for compliments. There are so many stunning girls, I can’t even compare. Whatever they do, whether it’s making silly faces,anything, they’re still pretty while doing it. Fuck. I wish I were more appealing. Honestly.
Monday 11 April 2011
My head, My heart
I loved how his eyes closed whenever he kissed me.
And whenever I was away from him, I loved how he missed me.
I loved the way he treated me, tenderly and with care.
I loved how his heart beat whenever I held him.
I loved how he always thought of me without being told to.
I loved the way his touch was always heavenly...
But, most of all I loved how he loved me.
It hurts to know he may never again be mine.
it hurts that we had to breakup.
It hurts that I may not get to see him as often as I like.
that I may not get to hold him in my arms all through the night.
And whenever i see him kissing that other girl,
My head says "who cares?"
but then my heart whispers,"you do, stupid..."
And whenever I was away from him, I loved how he missed me.
I loved the way he treated me, tenderly and with care.
I loved how his heart beat whenever I held him.
I loved how he always thought of me without being told to.
I loved the way his touch was always heavenly...
But, most of all I loved how he loved me.
It hurts to know he may never again be mine.
it hurts that we had to breakup.
It hurts that I may not get to see him as often as I like.
that I may not get to hold him in my arms all through the night.
And whenever i see him kissing that other girl,
My head says "who cares?"
but then my heart whispers,"you do, stupid..."
Wednesday 6 April 2011
sweet revenge
I should have listened to his friends when they told me not to get involved with him, but I was young and stupid, and the bad boy seemed appealing. We had a casual thing going for a short time; when I say casual, it was all on his terms, he was the one who wanted casual. He revealed very little of himself; I thought he was dark and mysterious, but it turns out that he was just a lying, cheating, self-absorbed wanker!
When I tried to get a little more serious, he shut me down, ignored me, didn't call. I assumed that it was over. He had never given me an explanation, so I had no understanding of what had gone wrong. I discovered later that he actually had a pregnant girlfriend, and unbeknown to me, I was the 'other woman!'
We used to frequent some of the same clubs and pubs, so even after being dumped I would still occassionally see him (and ignore him) across a dimly lit room. Every time I saw him, he would ask for his 'things' back, (over the course of our 'courtship' he had left quite a few clothes at my place). One particular evening before going out with my friends, I put his clothes, all his custom t-shirts, in the boot of my car; I had every intention of giving them back to him if/when I saw him later. Sure enough there he was in all his arrogant unglory, and sure enough, he looked at me and grunted something in my general direction about me returning his clothes. I walked out to the carpark, took his clothes out of my car, and put them in a pile on the ground. My best friend and I laughed and cried as we set a match to his precious possessions and watched them go up in flames! We waited until they were a mere mound of ashes, which I then collected in a glass jar. Taking the jar inside the pub with me, I spied him standing at the bar with all his friends gathered around. I walked over to him, slammed the jar full of ashes down on the bar in front of him and exclaimed "There's your fucking clothes!!!" Needless to say he was stuck for a quick comeback. I turned and walked away as his friends, struggling to hide their amusement, roared with laughter!
When I tried to get a little more serious, he shut me down, ignored me, didn't call. I assumed that it was over. He had never given me an explanation, so I had no understanding of what had gone wrong. I discovered later that he actually had a pregnant girlfriend, and unbeknown to me, I was the 'other woman!'
We used to frequent some of the same clubs and pubs, so even after being dumped I would still occassionally see him (and ignore him) across a dimly lit room. Every time I saw him, he would ask for his 'things' back, (over the course of our 'courtship' he had left quite a few clothes at my place). One particular evening before going out with my friends, I put his clothes, all his custom t-shirts, in the boot of my car; I had every intention of giving them back to him if/when I saw him later. Sure enough there he was in all his arrogant unglory, and sure enough, he looked at me and grunted something in my general direction about me returning his clothes. I walked out to the carpark, took his clothes out of my car, and put them in a pile on the ground. My best friend and I laughed and cried as we set a match to his precious possessions and watched them go up in flames! We waited until they were a mere mound of ashes, which I then collected in a glass jar. Taking the jar inside the pub with me, I spied him standing at the bar with all his friends gathered around. I walked over to him, slammed the jar full of ashes down on the bar in front of him and exclaimed "There's your fucking clothes!!!" Needless to say he was stuck for a quick comeback. I turned and walked away as his friends, struggling to hide their amusement, roared with laughter!
To the serious side
I have just realized something very interesting about how serious I take my lovers, but more importantly how serious I take my break ups. I don’t choose to be so dramatic; my mind just seems to go in the direction of depression and self-loathing when love fails. It’s as if I were predisposed to depression after an intense emotional relationship. I wonder if anyone else has come to this conclusion about his or her post-love state of being? Am I the only one in this world who feels destitute at the end of a relationship? Maybe I should develop a fallout out plan for myself, which I can follow like a nuclear threat document. A step-by-step guide to ending a relationship might be the only way I will survive my next love. Instead of making enemies with my ex-lovers, which I always seem to do, maybe a goal oriented document which I use as a daily reference, can lead me on the path of, dare I say, friendship? The steps to such an instructional manual would read as follows:
1. No! Whatever you are thinking right now is wrong.
2. Breathe.
3. You are making assumptions out of your emotional disfigurement which only have superficial relevancy to YOUR well-being.
4. Stop making universal conclusions about this breakup.
5. Smile if you know what’s good for you.
6. It’s not the end of the world, unless you kill yourself.
7. Breathe again.
8. Now is the time for you to turn to your friends without embarrassment to ask for their help and support. Don’t worry, that’s what they’re there for.
9. You are going to get through this, if you want to.
10. Stop blaming yourself, even if it was your fault. Shit happens, people separate, new loves are conceived, and yes, people die alone.
11. People dying is a metaphor; get used to it buddy.
12. Find something beautiful today, even if it is something minuscule or temporary.
13. Keep fucking breathing asshole.
14. Do you really think God has time to get vengeance on you? No! God didn’t do this to you and neither did the devil. Remember, shit happens.
15. Crying is natural. Don’t hold in your emotions. That shit can kill you.
16. Someday, I promise you, you will laugh again. Even if it’s a macabre ironical laugh on your deathbed; you’ll still crack a lame ass death-grin.
17. You may never find another person like this one. But why would you want to anyway? If things didn’t work out the first time, they sure as hell won’t work out the second time.
18. Go watch the sunrise. Then go watch the sunset. Now think about home many people saw the same thing. You are not alone.
19. Stop winging about your loss. If you don’t smile, I’ll beat a smile into you.
20. Be nice to yourself. You’re all you have in this world now.
In conclusion, if you’re still feeling suicidal, sad, lonely, depressed, unnerved, restless, demonic, etc., feel free to punch things like walls and cars. However, just know, walls and cars don’t care about you, just like your ex lover. They will hurt you ten fold. Good luck, stay sharp, stay smart and remember, BREATHE ASSHOLE.
As you can tell, our breakup damaged me pretty badly, and I can only imagine how horrific the next breakup for me could be. In fact, the fear of what’s to come inhibits me from pursuing the thought or action of finding a next love. In terms of emotional connections with other humans, especially women, I’ve been recluse, almost to an extreme agoraphobic state.
-Silly me
1. No! Whatever you are thinking right now is wrong.
2. Breathe.
3. You are making assumptions out of your emotional disfigurement which only have superficial relevancy to YOUR well-being.
4. Stop making universal conclusions about this breakup.
5. Smile if you know what’s good for you.
6. It’s not the end of the world, unless you kill yourself.
7. Breathe again.
8. Now is the time for you to turn to your friends without embarrassment to ask for their help and support. Don’t worry, that’s what they’re there for.
9. You are going to get through this, if you want to.
10. Stop blaming yourself, even if it was your fault. Shit happens, people separate, new loves are conceived, and yes, people die alone.
11. People dying is a metaphor; get used to it buddy.
12. Find something beautiful today, even if it is something minuscule or temporary.
13. Keep fucking breathing asshole.
14. Do you really think God has time to get vengeance on you? No! God didn’t do this to you and neither did the devil. Remember, shit happens.
15. Crying is natural. Don’t hold in your emotions. That shit can kill you.
16. Someday, I promise you, you will laugh again. Even if it’s a macabre ironical laugh on your deathbed; you’ll still crack a lame ass death-grin.
17. You may never find another person like this one. But why would you want to anyway? If things didn’t work out the first time, they sure as hell won’t work out the second time.
18. Go watch the sunrise. Then go watch the sunset. Now think about home many people saw the same thing. You are not alone.
19. Stop winging about your loss. If you don’t smile, I’ll beat a smile into you.
20. Be nice to yourself. You’re all you have in this world now.
In conclusion, if you’re still feeling suicidal, sad, lonely, depressed, unnerved, restless, demonic, etc., feel free to punch things like walls and cars. However, just know, walls and cars don’t care about you, just like your ex lover. They will hurt you ten fold. Good luck, stay sharp, stay smart and remember, BREATHE ASSHOLE.
As you can tell, our breakup damaged me pretty badly, and I can only imagine how horrific the next breakup for me could be. In fact, the fear of what’s to come inhibits me from pursuing the thought or action of finding a next love. In terms of emotional connections with other humans, especially women, I’ve been recluse, almost to an extreme agoraphobic state.
-Silly me
Positive outlook
This year has been by far the most challenging battle I’ve faced on this god-forsaken planet. Consecutive imbroglios have beleaguered my opportunities and yet I still have a panoply of tricks up my sleeve to abscond the despondent strangle-hold I feel on a quotidian basis. Constantly reminding myself to laugh and enjoy life has been a major weapon against the sadness and depression my pathology is drawn towards.
One must be burned by the flame to know that the delusion of beauty is the greatest trick of all; do not go into the light for your life will immolate. I offer myself life-lines of hope and happiness to stave off the surrounding invaders of despair. I quell my pain with laughter. And although seemingly insane at times, I still laugh to myself… out-loud… diabolically. And in the words of the late heath ledger as the joker, “why so serious?!”
One must be burned by the flame to know that the delusion of beauty is the greatest trick of all; do not go into the light for your life will immolate. I offer myself life-lines of hope and happiness to stave off the surrounding invaders of despair. I quell my pain with laughter. And although seemingly insane at times, I still laugh to myself… out-loud… diabolically. And in the words of the late heath ledger as the joker, “why so serious?!”
Tuesday 5 April 2011
what could it be
I lie still
My mind in dis array
Do I love you?
Or do I hate?
My mind says a thing
While the heart another
My heart beats for you
My mind cries to kill
I lie undecided
Unsure of thee
Surely, love hasn't come my way
But yet what could it be?
I close my eyes and see thee
I see it is true
Love has touched me
or what has?
My mind in dis array
Do I love you?
Or do I hate?
My mind says a thing
While the heart another
My heart beats for you
My mind cries to kill
I lie undecided
Unsure of thee
Surely, love hasn't come my way
But yet what could it be?
I close my eyes and see thee
I see it is true
Love has touched me
or what has?
Inside my head
I can be spontaneous. Unpredictable. Random. Three words to describe me... Am I a girl? Am I a guy? I think I'm both. I play both parts, perfectly at that. more of a girl though. I'm better at confusing than I am at convincing. I'm young, some say I look old. I'm not sure. I know I'm nigerian. I know I live in nigeria. I don't know what state. I'm getting things mixed up, please let's move on.
This is my thought dump, my mind trash. Its about what goes on in my life. Emotions I feel and the things I experience. Life as I see it. Love as I know it. Music my inspiration. Insanity a part of me.
I have been inspired by some other bloggers, many who have been in blogville for years. I used to write a lot. In pages of books and scraps of papers. Which would eventually disappear... I needed a reference, something I could go back to when my brain goes in an uproar and my mind goes blank. Missing pages dint help much.
I'm not very good with silence, I just don't know why. So please, leave a comment or two. And if you don't mind follow too. :)
Love,
Chocolate diva.
This is my thought dump, my mind trash. Its about what goes on in my life. Emotions I feel and the things I experience. Life as I see it. Love as I know it. Music my inspiration. Insanity a part of me.
I have been inspired by some other bloggers, many who have been in blogville for years. I used to write a lot. In pages of books and scraps of papers. Which would eventually disappear... I needed a reference, something I could go back to when my brain goes in an uproar and my mind goes blank. Missing pages dint help much.
I'm not very good with silence, I just don't know why. So please, leave a comment or two. And if you don't mind follow too. :)
Love,
Chocolate diva.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)